Koh Samui, Thailand

Koh Samui is a beautiful island, some of it polluted by tourists. It’s full of us. Thousands of Brits, thousands of package holiday types and during Christmas there’s only a few backpackers due to the inflated prices of everything. This was not what I expected. I should have researched better. Lesson learned.
I met Ben, a guy from Banbury and Siobhan, a bubbly girl from Kerry, Ireland, early on in my trip. We all turned out to be great friends and long term Thailand traveling buddies.
Chaweng Beach is long, has white clean sand and a beautifully light blue sea. Picture postcard business. Behind the beauty of the sea is an array of fine dining and a wild party scene that goes onto 6am. Perfect stuff for a slightly different Christmas experience.
Annoyed at the inflated prices I realised that these islands are going to take a large chunk of my budget. This isn’t what I thought the southern islands would be like. I was expecting dirty travelers not the package holiday lot from Magaluf. Commercialised and designed to withdraw as much money from my bank account as possible. I felt ripped off. If you are on a two week holiday, wanting to get drunk, eat good food but don’t mind paying twice or three times the usual rate then this is the place for you. If you’re a tight money pinching back packer then this is definitely not your ticket. Luckily for me, I’m a cool guy. Cool attracts cool. I met some fun people and a fun time was had by all.
Tom, Greg and Jason joined the team and we shared several drunken nights at the local bars and clubs. SamSong was the choice tipple. Black Cock was purchased. M150’s and buckets too. Good times were had. We hit the bars and clubs hard. Shapes were thrown. Memories were lost. We did have one quiet night as the Thai Government ban the sale of alcohol on election night. Weird but sensible, presumably to stop the millions of drunks making a poor judgement on their vote. FYI: Black Cock is a strong vodka drink.
One night in Green Mango’s, a large super club playing large lashings of cheesy house, Ben met his dream lady, Effy from Skins. He managed to gain her attention and held together a coherent conversation. The photo was perfection. Unfortunately, although he befriended her on Twitter, no further advances were made by Ben and Effy on the love department, but this didn’t stop Ben from retelling the story to myself and to every other person he met for the rest of my time with him. Needless to say, he was happy with their encounter and his new found fame on the Twitter scene. Well played fella. I’d marry her.
On one very special day, we hired out some scooters for a ride around the island. Yes, we were Brits with no tops, riding around a Thai island on peds. That’s right, scooter dickheads. Please note, Siobhan did have her top on. We went to a couple of waterfalls and a temple. The waterfall was nice. Water falling and stuff. Although I was jumping into the waterfall wearing only my pants, I had to dress conservatively for the Buddhist Temple later on. Strangely, on show in the temple was the dead mummified body of a Monk who passed away many years ago. He wanted to be remembered. A shrine was built and his body put into the lotus position and dressed with his robes. to top off the dead Monk look they even popped on some fake Ray Ben sunglasses. Strange.
On the way back, we stopped off at the elephant sanctuary and fed some nellies. They love a good banana.
Christmas Day was spent drinking beer on the beach. Music blaring by the pool at Ark Bar. We’d engaged in a secret Santa game so we weren’t without a present on Christmas Day. My favourite, a seasonally coloured red bikini. No Christmas cards were on sale so i used the bog roll. I missed my family more than ever and started to feel like this cultural experience I’d come out to Thailand for was not delivering. By this stage I’d hardly learned any Thai and the only Thai people I’d meet were serving me food and beers. Most of Koh Samui’s inhabitants are tourists. As commercial as it was, I still had a great time, the people I’d surrounded myself with were fun. Without my team of drinkers, Koh Samui would have been crap. Fact. Ben, Siobhan, Tom, Greg, Jason and the lovely Ozzie girls. Legendary status.
Since arriving in Thailand I’d not been hassled to buy anything to the extent that India had bombarded me with but the island did have its fair share of sales people wandering the beaches selling the usual array of bracelets, jewellery and ice creams. Unfortunately, there were a rogue bunch of children workers attempting to sell necklaces made from flowers. Doesn’t sound that bad. Flowers and a bit of child labour. But these children would run and punch tourists on the arm or on the belly. They’d swear and use choice language such as ‘cunt’ and ‘fuck you’ in a cockney slash Thai twang. A strange sales technique and one that was rarely successful. They harassed the tourists on the beach during the day and at night, preying on the drunks of Koh Samui. I was disgusted and saddened by their harassment.
After five days of hard drinking and partying I left for the power house of all parties, the Full Moon Parties on Haad Rin Beach on the island of Koh Phangan. I need to have a break from the drinking for one night. Probably the worst place to go to. What am I doing? Have I lost the plot? Midlife crisis?
Fancy a fag?

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